Yesterday my husband was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocitic Leukemia. While the diagnosis was somewhat alarming, we soon realized that if you have to get cancer, this one is kinder than many. This type of cancer is incurable and so it is not treated unless either the white blood cell count indicates that it has become particularly aggressive or the symptoms start to escalate. If either of those things happen, Bill will be put on chemotherapy or an alternate treatment that frankly at this point we don't quite understand. There is some indication that this type of cancer is linked in some way to chemicals used in Viet Nam, where Bill served many years ago. Bill will have to be closely monitored for the rest of his life but it is possible that this cancer may allow him to live a good life for years without serious incident. That is what we are choosing to believe.
Yesterday we were almost like carefree kids, even being so bold as to laugh at this disease and tease each other about insurance, funeral arrangements, etc. Today it has hit both of us between the eyes, the reality of what this might mean in our lives, how things could change in a flash. We will work through this and deal with things in a positive manner. I have no doubt about that. But at least for today we are very sober and serious as we arm ourselves with knowledge about this kind of cancer and prepare to join together in what might be a battle for Bill's life.
The bright side to all of this is our agreement that this is not going to rob us of our joy or our peace of mind. We will deal with it head on and together, not cowering or allowing bitterness or fear of the unknown to define our remaining time together. Will we stumble and occasionally have moments of self pity? Probably although we like to think not. Will we experience genuine sorrow? Well, of course, we are after all human beings.
Here is our best news. We both really believe that we can either choose to go through life as victims, blaming fate, God, someone else for what hasn't gone our way - or - we can choose to look into the depths of our souls and deal with whatever life hands us, knowing that there are always choices in our lives, even if the only thing we can control is the attitude we adopt. Oh that I would have known this years ago.
I have come to see over the past years how very short sighted and self-centered I was as a young adult, even at times as a "not that young" adult. I suppose that is true of many people at various times in their lives. I made decisions based on what felt right at the time and it never really occurred to me to try to look at things from another perspective. I would have denied this because I truly wouldn't have seen it. Goes along with being self-centered I guess. It took me years of experiences - good and bad - and a willingness to dig deep into my psyche to do an honest and unflinching self-inventory to realize how complicit I was in the outcome of many of the most painful experiences in my life. I saw many things I regretted - regret still - and I had an honest desire to make wrongs right wherever I could. Sometimes though it is impossible to right a wrong, either because the timing is all off, the person or persons involved are either best left alone or have no interest in forgiveness from or toward you, they have died, or one of a dozen other reasons. Sometimes people don't want to relinquish their tight grips on bitterness, don't want to risk looking at how they might need to reassess their own actions. Some people prefer to cling to grudges and their own tidy little package of being a victim. That is sad to see and alas, I have been guilty of it myself at various points on this life journey. Here is the bottom line -we only can control our own actions and attitudes. Sometimes you have to accept that your own life vision will not be shared by someone who once played a vital role in your life. In the end, nobody else's attitude or feelings toward you determines who you are.
Trite, corny, thrown out there oh so often but Truth with a capital T - Treasure the people you love, forgive the people who have wronged you, ask for forgiveness from the people you have wronged, purposely or accidentally. Life is unpredictable. Set yourself free - from yourself, from the past, from a poisonous attitude or the bondage of living life as a manipulator or under the spell of a manipulator. Set yourself free from caring what somebody else thinks, how they have judged or misjudged you. Love as purely as you can. Dispense with any unkindness. Forgive forgive forgive so that you may also be forgiven. Cleanse your heart daily.
None of us ever knows what we might encounter tomorrow. Start living your life so that if it all came to an end this very minute, you would rest peacefully in the knowledge that you have dispensed with pointless anger and ulterior motives and have adopted an attitude of loving kindness.
Bill and I feel such relief that we are facing the future together with no hidden agendas and with the knowledge that regardless of previous transgressions, we bave made peace with this world and with everyone in it. This peace is there regardless of any negative feelings someone or another might choose to harbor toward us. That is their deal. Our deal is how WE choose to react, treat others, deal with adversity.
Bill and I are in all honesty believing for a long, healthy and happy life together. Our granddaughter Emilie has told us in no uncertain terms that she wants us to be here when she has kids and we will do our best to make that a reality. Still, we know we will be fine regardless of what tomorrow brings. Circumstances are temporary. Our truths and our peace are eternal. We know that in the end, we will stand in the sunset waving good bye to all we love with clean hearts and best wishes. What more, really, could we ask for?
